From the moment she came out, Lulu has been attached to me. I don't mean that for a while in her life I was her favorite person, I mean that from about a week old "Mommy" has been it for her. As an infant, she would cry if someone looked at her. And heavens above, if I tried to hand her off to another adult! Even Dadam was unacceptable a vast majority of the time. She was sleeping in our bed the night I went in to labor with Noodle! I swear there is an invisible umbilical cord connecting her to me. Still.
She has gotten a bit better as she has gotten older. But there are still times when she will begin to cry in the evenings, if I am taking one of the other kiddos to an activity. Or she might cry if I am going somewhere after she is asleep. Oh my.
I recently got invited to take part in a book club. (Yay! Reading books and discussing them with other women! Yay!) It only meets once a month and this month I really, really wanted to go as the book was hard to get through but really satisfying and well written at the end. ("Cutting for Stone" - highly recommended) I wanted to go and discuss! But, bah, Dadam's schedule got all screwed up and he ended up having to go to an evening meeting on the same night. I thought: no problem, I'll get a babysitter, get everyone asleep and then I'll slip away for a couple of hours. Ha.
I didn't think I should just leave the kids without telling them what was going on. There is nothing more disorienting and, overall, more upsetting than waking up to a relative stranger in the house and no parental units! Well, my Lulu, decided that this was not okay. She'd only been up since six am (a full hour earlier than her alarm goes off) and is battling a head cold, but she was going to keep herself awake by working herself up into incredible hysterics about "mommy leaving her." Leila was already snoring peacefully in the lower bunk and the house was quiet and sleepy. But not Lu.
Oh, Lulu. My Lulu! I know you are tired, exhausted even, and I am not "leaving you", I'm "going out for me". But how do I draw that line for you when I know that you still see me as part of you? Oh, Lu.
So, I stood and I patted her like I haven't done in years. She dozed off and woke herself up again, dozed and forced her eyes open. Finally, I just kissed her and left, warning the babysitter as I went out of the house.
I fully expected to find her curled up on the couch, watching the football game with the babysitter when I arrived home. But she wasn't. She was upstairs, in her bed, sound asleep. I kissed her when I came in and she sat up, gave me a big sleepy smile, threw her arms around me and fell back asleep.
She's okay. But why does she have to make it so hard on me?