(I updated a LOAD of posts today. Go back to February to see PrincessE's Birthday Letter, her cake, some updates on where our orders will take us in the summer and a bit about Purim-our most recent holiday. Read on to discover why it's taken me so long to get those posts up and why I believe I may be a child stuck in a grownup's body.)
So, we're headed to Los Angeles. This was pretty much my worst fear. It wasn't my worst case because I think it is a horrid place to live. Nope, it was my worst case because it is an Expensive place to live, it is a BUSY place to live and it's not my ideal. This doesn't mean it doesn't have things going for it, but bear with me. This is my therapy time.
When Dadam told me our orders said LA I was in complete shock. He was working so hard on a by name request so that this wouldn't happen. He was trying to play the system so we could have control over where we went and what would happen for the next three years. He tried so hard. And we sort of thought it was working. Until karma, feng shui, or whatever you want to call it whacked us upside the head. After I was over the shock, I was in tears. I dreamed of living in Colorado; mountains, plains, sunshine, extended family, snow, skiing. Everything that I really, really wanted was just not gonna happen. I cried a lot on the first day, but made sure I put on a really big (it felt totally fake to me) smiley face when we told the kids what was happening
(Side Note: PrincessE saw right through my bulls*&t. She's no dummy and I've got no poker face. We had a conversation about being disappointed that night and I said that was okay. I told her I was disappointed too and allowed that it was okay to feel disappointed, but tried to reassure her by saying we could go to the beach, have a picnic dinner and then be home for bed! She liked that and perked right up. Shew.)
Then I started going through all the stages of grief. I was angry, I was in denial, I was depressed. I was a small child who didn't get what she wanted. Poor Dadam has been witness to more than a few temper-tantrums. (I'm lucky to have him.) I really feel pretty down about the whole thing. It's become clear I'm going to have to get a job in order for us to be comfortable financially. But I still really need to be at home and I feel very strongly about those responsibilities. I also feel lost as to what I want to do. Plus, who wants to hire a woman who has been out of the work force for a decade, minus some small jobs here and there?? How do I communicate my skills on a piece of paper that says I haven't held down reliable employment for ten years?!?!
Panic ensued and I've stopped doing things that make me happy, hence a gap in the blogging situation.
But I'm back on it now. I'm trying to sort through the employment situation. I'm trying to make a plan and have a way out. I feel uncertain and uneasy. For the first time in a long time, I don't see the way forward and that's not a great thing for a control freak like me. So, that's where we're at. LA, in July. And I'll get back on the posting wagon, 'cause who wants to read about freakouts. The kids are so much cuter.